You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
