saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
