Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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