Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
