then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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