I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
