I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
