we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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