My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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