I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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