I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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