FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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