Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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