i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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