Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just invented taco cereal.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
