i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
