So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
