I haven't been this sober since birth.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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