1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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