your parents love me but you hate me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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