Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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