Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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