Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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