I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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