Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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