I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
