what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
