he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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