Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
