I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
