I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
