sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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