No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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