I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
