Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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