Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
