I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
