Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dicks are not precious.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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