erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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