At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
