Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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