I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
