Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
