I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
