M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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