I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
