Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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