D3 body, D1 cock
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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