I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
