I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
