I just saw a hot homeless man
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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